Part two of two. An article about my experiences after bipolar diagnosis and my thoughts on being mentally ill in modern society. Please read part one first.
What has it been like to be mentally ill in society?
Firstly, no one knows I have an illness until they are told. Bipolar is a medical condition and is therefore confidential, plus you can’t tell if a person is mentally ill just by looking at them. Getting diagnosed did move me into another group within society. I used to be in the “I don’t know what is happening to me” group and now I am in the “I live with mental illness” group. A huge improvement. There are some things that I can’t do anymore, like joining the armed services or easily accessing firearms, but I never wanted to do this anyway. There have been new things to learn in the workplace. For a while I felt like I was lying every time I applied for jobs because the application form would have a sneaky question like ‘Do you, to your knowledge, suffer from an on-going medical condition?’ and if I answered ‘Yes.’ I would not get an interview. It actually turns out (at least in Aotearoa/New Zealand) it isn’t right for an employer to ask for potentially confidential information in a general way unless it relates specifically to the role. Job seekers are protected under the Privacy Act 1993 and Human Rights Act 1993 against this form of discrimination, yet it still seems to be quite common.
Societal discrimination against mental illness is still common and often the most harmful acts against us come from family or loved ones. Having our autonomy taken, our memories and experiences called into question, our actions used against us, our innocence suspended, and our privacy ignored: loved ones are at risk of committing these acts of harm. Common stereotypes of mental illness falsely describe someone who is untrustworthy, unpredictable, violent, or dangerous. In reality we are at far greater risk of being attacked or exploited by others, or harming ourselves, than of harming anybody else. Stigma and discrimination serve to isolate us in society, make our illness worse, and impede our recovery.
How has life changed after my bipolar diagnosis?
Being diagnosed has expanded my self-knowledge and humanity. Simply becoming more sensitive to facets within myself that I see reflected in other people, or vice versa, has enriched my worldview. When I feel bipolar the amplified emotional range can allow me to have more empathy and, if I am in the right frame of mind, relate to people better. Before my bipolar diagnosis I would get very confused by sudden explosions of energy and emotion within me. The big swells of empathy and apathy I experienced dominated how I saw the world because I didn’t realise that it was part of a greater wave. Post-diagnosis I understand that I can be swept along with the emotions if I want, but most of the time it is better to step back from the pull of big moods.
When I started taking lithium and practicing emotional distance with CBT it felt like part of myself was disappearing. I was so used to heightened emotions and energy that I felt as if I was losing something poignant and important: I feared that the treatment was erasing my poetic self. I had doubts about the treatment and it wasn’t an easy commitment to make. I didn’t want to give up a part of myself to a pill, or change only for the sake of fitting in. I went off treatment a few times in the first year but that only allowed the symptoms to return full-force. In the end it wasn’t about whether I was conforming or giving up part of myself; it was about being able to function, to sleep at night, to make progress in my life and maybe eventually be happy. This is what really mattered to me.
The bipolar diagnosis has forced me to see more deeply into myself and others. It started me along a road towards understanding what mental illness is, instead of just how it is reflected in society. So much to learn, to practice, and to change. The journey has brought me closer to my own reality of life and has freed me from the worst aspects of my bipolar. Best of all, it has brought kind and amazing people into my life who I would otherwise have never known. One of those people is me.
I hope this article is useful to you, thank you for reading it! I believe that these articles will help to educate people with bipolar and give them skills for a future of mental wellness, not mental illness. Please consider Supporting KindBipolar and joining our email list (we never send spam). Be kind to yourself and have a great day.
